I just got back from watching beautiful play movie at zee Bolshoi Theater when I do realize I am zee most disappoint with my club Arsenal. Why must we draw and not spend money? I won't stand in zee way of zhis madness!

So I got on my phone smart and call up employee #13, Arsene Wenger, and tell him he must make Zee Fantastic happy since he no happy now. He ask me "How?" I tell him I just saw beautiful live picture show at zee most fantastic theater in all of space and earth and I tell him I want him to make me live picture show to keep me zee most entertain and keep me from sending squad and management to gulag. He says are you serious and I say nothing back because I had serious face on. Zee Fantastic ees serious.

He call me one weeks later and he say ok have picture show ready you ready? I get in rocket plane with my picture on tail and nose and I land it on training pitch during training. I set up chair and grab big gulp. The snap fingers and tell him ok go on entertain me clown why you draw at bad clubs this is fun clap hands clap hands. He show me zee show and I think he won job back for good. It was very much zee fantastic™ and so good zhat I share for you. Ok Arsene cut scene this is going to be great:

(cut scene)

What are you doing? Where are you going? Hey, get back here!!!

Oh, you know, just escaping this club because holy shit there are some mouth-breathers around here.

Not on my watch! Do you want to go to the Gulag? You cannot escape...no!

Eh, fuck it, why not? That kind of place sounds much better than having my game compared to the proverbial cookie on the floor all the time.

Well I will do you a solid and not call up the best owner in all of the space, Mr. Usmanov The Fantastic, to tell him of your potential betrayal, but what I am going to do is make you and the rest of you scrubs run laps and do shuttle drills. Maybe practice passes back and forth because you are terrible at that!

Actually, I'm not, I'm rather...

ENOUGH NONSENSE! Here, take this training vest. Give the rest of the vests to your scrubby, little friends and don't come back until you are good and, uh, such.

Yeah, whatever.

(Wenger walks away)

♪ ♫ It's a hard knock life, for us! It's a hard knock life, for us!

♪ ♫ Instead'a back-pats,

♪ ♫ We get kicked!

♪ ♫ Instead'a matches

♪ ♫ We get nicked!

♪ ♫ It's a hard knock life! Got no fans to speak of, so, IT'S THE HARD KNOCK ROW WE HOW!

♪ ♫ Tried an overhead kick in my own goal, now it's off for another spell in Hull

♪ ♫ It's a hard knock life!

♪ ♫ Nobody even knows how to spell my name, or attempt to write in squad sheet for a game

♪ ♫ It's a hard knock life!

♪ ♫ Played out of position and unjustly labelled, as Roberto Carlos but only if he was disabled

♪ ♫ It's a hard knock life!

♪ ♫....

Hey, um, Andrei, this is your verse, don't you remember?

♪ ♫....

Goddamn, you are thick.

♪ ♫ It's a hard knock life!

♪ ♫ Wait, now I remember, I once caught a butterfly with my teeth and named him Vlad. He told me in his butterfly language that he was the resident librarian at the Castle of Greyskull but then escaped and then he flew and then he went to flap his wings one day and then he landed on the back end of a magic teacup saucer and then -

♪ ♫ It's a hard knock life!

♪ ♫ They all ask about the nasty stench, and then point and laugh at us sitting on the bench, it's a hard knock life!

(everyone goes off running laps while continuing to whistle)

....

Oh my hands do zee clap clap clap that was good so good yes ees best play live picture ever. I hope you enjoy and zhat eet make up for bad draw at bad club who are not top like us. Bye now smooch kiss hug and if you are woman I grope too thanks bye.